Mr. Johnson has a Problem

Top Bizarre Events of Mass Hysteria: Penis Panic

A penis panic is a mass hysteria event or panic in which male members of a population suddenly experience the belief that their genitals are getting smaller or disappearing entirely. Penis panics have occurred around the world, most notably in Africa and Asia. Local beliefs in many instances assert that such physical changes are often fatal.

In cases where the fear of the penis being retracted is secondary to other conditions, psychological diagnosis and treatments are under development. It is becoming increasingly clear that these forms of mass hysteria are more common than previously thought. Injuries have occurred when stricken men have resorted to apparatus such as needles, hooks, fishing line, and shoe strings, to prevent the disappearance of their penises.

An epidemic struck Singapore in 1967, resulting in thousands of reported cases. Government and medical officials alleviated the outbreak only by a massive campaign to reassure men of the anatomical impossibility of retraction together with a media blackout on the spread of the condition.

Okay, now I've seen everything.

Japan: Nothing says springtime like a penis festival

Bring on the giant wooden penis. The vagina shrine, too.

KOMAKI, Japan — It's springtime in Japan and that means one thing.

Actually, two things. Penis festivals and vagina festivals.

It may sound like a sophomoric gag. But these are folk rites going back at least 1,500 years, into Japan's agricultural past. They're held to ensure a good harvest and promote baby-making.

Maybe they should hold more such festivals. Japan has one of the world's lowest birthrates (1.37 children per woman), which experts blame on stagnant incomes and changing gender relations.

The center-left government that came to power last year hopes to make child-rearing more affordable with a $280 monthly stipend per kid.

Meanwhile, the festivals provide an economic shot in the arm for host cities, a party for foreign tourists and expats, and a chance for locals to let loose, too.

One of the best-known penis festivals is at Komaki City's Tagata shrine, about 45 minutes outside Nagoya, every March 15. In a neighboring village, a vagina festival is held the Sunday before that. This year, that was the 14th — meaning rare, back-to-back genital
worship days.

At the Hime-no-miya grand vagina festival, parents dress up their kids, pray for healthy babies, and celebrate with sake, beer and snacks galore.

In the morning, children carry a small vagina to the Ogata shrine. Later, some 40 grown men strain under the weight of a massive vagina while carrying it to the shrine in the main parade. They're followed by two smaller vagina litters.

At the end of the day pink and white mochi (glutinous rice ball treats) are hurled into the crowd.

The penis festival the following day drew far more foreign and Japanese tourists — some 100,000, according to a festival brochure. Festival foreplay included much posing with wooden and candy penises. The main event is the parading of a two-foot by six-and-a-half foot long phallus carved from Japanese cypress.

Teams of men strain under the weight, stopping to spin the penis around a few times amid yelling, cheering and jostling. The work is so hard that teams rotate during the one-and-a-half hour procession.

This phallus parade is rooted, says the brochure, in "an ancient Japanese belief that for the growth and development of all things, the mother, earth, has to be impregnated by the father, heaven."

"People come here when they want to have a baby," said festival volunteer and Komaki resident Katsuragawa Noboru. "If it works, they have to come back the next year to thank the gods."

It worked for Katsuragawa, twice: He has a son and a daughter now, he said with a laugh.

Lucy Glasspool, who researches gender and pop culture as a visiting scholar in Nagoya, was helping out at the information booth. It was her first penis festival.

"I heard about this a long time ago and I'm not sure I believed it," she said. "But now I'm here and it's everything I thought it would be. I highly recommend the penis-shaped candy."

She gave English-language updates on the penis' progress through a microphone, and passed out detailed information in English on the history and significance of the rite. But most Western tourists seemed happy enough just to drink beer and make endless penis jokes.

Vendors sell penis- and vagina-shaped candies and chocolate-covered bananas, wood penis sculptures and penis earrings, adding to the mirth. Eavesdropping was a riot.

Said one American woman into a cell phone, in a southern twang: "We just found an ashtray that's in the shape of a vagina that you need to buy."

"It's smaller than last year's," one jaded female expat loudly complained, as the phallus approached.

One American woman, reviewing a photo of her friends posing with penis-candy-sucking Japanese, said, "Oh my God. This one is so going on Facebook."

George Carlin on Bush War (continued)
by GEORGE CARLIN

From Urban Dictionary:

1.	small penis car	61 up, 21 down
	buy small penis car mugs, tshirts and magnets The bigger the car the smaller the penis. A small penis car is a big car driven by a man trying to overcompensate for having a small penis tiny dick overcompensation microdick penis by Anonymous R Mar 8, 2006 share this
2.	small penis car	39 up, 14 down
	buy small penis car mugs, tshirts and magnets Also applies to humongous "manly" vehicles that are not allowed to wear dirt, let alone get driven on it. Glossy Hummers, pinstriped pickups, and similar macho-but-impractical trucks and SUVs that cruise cities and suburbs. The Hummer is the most useless vehicle ever built; it's the ultimate small penis car. suv pickup truck toy truck tiny dick truck big truck little dick by JimDD Mar 4, 2006 share this

The Truth about Masturbation - It can actually shrink Your Penis

The center of most men's existence is their penis, and several companies are catering to this object of male ego. Just as women are pumping their own vanity by going in for operations such as breast implants, men are trying several things to add a few millimeters to their own dongs. There is a surfeit of products available in the market to achieve this enviable increase. There are several herbal remedies, exercises techniques, pumps, weights to hang from it to increase its size, and so many other things. This equipment exists and has a good market just because men are very much obsessive about its size. It's not just a question of pleasing the female. It is for self-satisfaction. The size of the male ego is directly proportional to the length of his penis.

Its average size is about five and a half to six inches in length, contrary to whatever the porn stars will have you believe. Almost all the men in the world have an adequately size, i.e. it is perfectly capable of providing pleasure to a woman and to perform the act of copulation. But even then, men want it longer to feed their sense of masculinity.

Now we come to our topic under discussion. When all the men of the world are so very conscious of the length of their organs and indeed want to increase their sizes a bit, it is indeed surprising to know that they are doing something that will actually shrink its sizes. Some routine act that most men perform has been proven recently to indeed take away from its overall length. What is this act then? Yes, indeed, you guessed right! The culprit is masturbation. If you are hooked on to excessive, then it is most likely that your organ is very slowly reducing in size.

How does it shrink the penis?

There is actually not one but two ways in which OM can bring about a reduction in its size. The first reason depends on its effect causes on the nervous system due to the excitement caused during the act. The second cause is due to physical tissue damage that is caused to the organ during the masturbatory act, which involves vigorous rubbing of the organ. Let us see each of these causes in detail.

(i) This act is a rigorous physical act. It requires the brain to dispel a lot of energy for its performance. The same happens during the actual sexual act too, but there the frequency is not so high. In boys who masturbate too often, the brain needs to provide this surcharge of energy more often. The brain supplies several hormones and nutrients when the man is trying to keep up the libido and ejaculate the semen. And the more dangerous aspect is, there is nothing that will replenish the wasted energy from the brain as fast as it was brought down.

The parasympathetic nervous system is responsible for maintaining the entire frenzy during the masturbation act. But the thing is, the parasympathetic nervous system is also responsible for the functioning of vital systems of the body such as the cardiovascular system, the digestive system, the functioning of the liver, the endocrine glands and the lung systems. The connection to these organs is through the vagus nerves which pass out from the brain and through the base of the neck region. When you read more into this, you will understand that all the different systems of your body are in fact interconnected, and an imbalance in any one of them will affect all the others. The average male is already doing several things that might drastically affect the heart; but now it could deplete the brain of its energy, which in turn could cause the heart to malfunction even further.

But how does the penis shrink due to all this? Simple, when the brain continuously keeps supplying energy for your jerking sessions, there is nothing to give it that energy back. In medical terms, such wastefulness of energy from a system is called as atrophy. The atrophy will set up in your organ over time if you masturbate excessively, which will lead to its reduction in size.

In fact, your erections do not depend on muscles, but you must remember that it is made of spongy tissue, which need to energy from the brain just to remain alive. Quite a simple thing to understand now; why the lack of energy in the brain will cause it to become shorter in length. In addition, excessive masturbation can also cause a deficiency of acetylcholine or nitric oxide and also stress hormones in the sympathetic alpha receptors.

It is quite understandable how it can cause not only shrinkage of the organ, but also functional weakness, known as ED, or simply, impotence. If a person indulges in it too much, there is a very great likelihood that that person will not be able to get an erection during the actual act.

(ii) If you thought the first way in which it causes the organ to shrink is bad enough, wait till you read this one. When a man masturbates, he is physically jerking the organ. This can cause physical damage to the reproductive organ, since it is made up of nothing but spongy tissue. Abrasions could occur, and there could be scar tissue. Every such episode causes some kind of damage to the organ. Over time this would heal, but by then some more tissues could get internally damaged.

At least in this case, it is more damaging than actual contact sex. The reason is, while doing it, there is more physical movement of the organ. Remember that there is no lubrication in it, which in actual sex the vaginal tract provides all the necessary lubrication. That's nature's way of protecting the organ during sexual episodes. But this natural protection is not present in it, which increases the likelihood of damages, causing scar tissues.

It is a superstition that it can cause warts on the palms of your hand, but it is a strongly indicated fact that it can cause calluses on the organ itself. If that happens, the organ will not be able to gain its full erection, and will also lean over to one side, causing curvatures.

Original story here.